He Stops Chasing You & Being Romantic. This should be stitched on a pillow. It doesnt bother me because of how he asks gently, not sternly, the tone he uses, and because the rest of the time he demonstrates how damnably attractive I am to him. Nope, cant recall this either. Texting my buddies to see if they are doing something, anything, I can join up with and get out of this situation. You might ask the following questions: Why did . His comfort may depend on your discomfort and misery. And with your wife, there may be things you can do that help, but they are probably concrete gestures. The thing here is that logic and reason are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites. Give him some space to take care of his things and do what he needs to do before you start making demands on how much time he should be spending with you or expecting that your relationship will always come first every single time without question. Also, I think its wonderful you put food down in front of her. Depression is a mix of the chemical/biological and the situational, while youre working to treat the illness and silence the mean scripts from your Jerkbrain, you might find great improvements in your lifeif you freed yourself from a constant external source of criticism. He seems to have set up this power imbalance in the relationship where he is right and the one to be listened to and you are the one who needs to be told what to do and that makes me very uncomfortable. At a minimum, he is not currently doing the first half. I dont know if that makes sense? Affection is not only limited to physical touch -- he may also avoid showing affection through words. Nows a good time to reflect on what each one has done throughout their entire relationship. When things are at their worst, do you still make each other laugh, do you still turn to each other and see each other as someone with much to offer, do you still treat each other with affection and find pleasure in each others company? But really nothing in that letter sounds like a happy, healthy time. I also expressed my fear that he was trying to fix my depression, because I suspect that depression is just part of my makeup, and however well I manage it, there are always going to be some low points. After it was removed, it was discovered ability to experience emotions was also gone due to damage from the tumor and the surgery. I had to work this out with my young man. The Captains comment, For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them) especially rings true for me. Apologise, and never say that to me again. Is there a chance he will realize that the moods are part of the package, and something Im trying to work on gradually, not all at once? And part of me wanted me to be healthier, and that part of me knew the answer to what should I eat was not wheel of cookies, but that part of me was not very loud and I had other stuff to attend to first (like surviving the crippling, paralyzing insecurities triggered by grad school and grappling with what an abusive buttwad my dad was with a trained mental health professional), and you know what? Cant remember him ever doing this either. Comfort from a relationship is something you are allowed to want. Or bringing you vegetable soup when youre too depressed to cook? Like, no. Dont be accusatory or judgmental when you do this. Theres a bigamist in my family tree he walked out on one family, changed his name and got married again. Or maybe his own shortcomings as a helper? She cares a lot. I generally figure that a persons issues are their own, and what they choose to do (or not) about them is their own decision. But Im definitely not saying you need to DTMF right away. Nevermind the fact that none of my friends were actually offended at all, he just couldnt admit that he had a problem with something I had said. It took me FOREVER to figure out, on my own, that a partner who was contributing nothing to the relationship and refused to take steps that would get him on the path to feeling able to contribute, was not someone I needed in my life. People dont always tell you frankly when theyre mad at you because, say, theyre projecting their issues on you. They are raw cookie dough and you can see the cookie and you want the cookie, but the cookie dough is just not done enough, but you really want that cookie so much and you know how much better it would be if it were finished baking.and so you are mad that they arent doing what it takes to be a cookie. So if your partner was reacting in line with frustration and reacting to objective, observable behaviors that contradicted therapeutic actions you had agreed to, then that could be a reasonable reaction. Once we finally separated, my depression has not returned. Or maybe its because walking isnt competitive in any way? And when Spouse or I are depressed, the other one will say Hey, lets go for a walk! And sometimes we go, and the Depressed One says I feel better. I suspect that if she did all those things, his critiques would ramp up x1,000,000 because she is successful and he wants to cut her back down and put her back under his control. But that doesnt sound like whats happening here. This is totally fine when your relationship is great. When he was in a show that had evening rehearsals nearly every night of the week, I ordered personal Mahi Mahis like every single night. See if there are ways you can make some of the self-care you want her to do easier. A person who wants the best for you will listen to you when you share that with them, and will change their behavior accordingly. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). What he could and did do that helped me was: 1) shop for food and cook the healthy meals for us himself, and not guilt me when I planned to cook and then. You speak for me! But everything you say about this dudetells me that hes more in love with Potential You than he is with Actual, Right Here You. Some things Ive done to help encourage my partner with quitting smoking (which he successfully did years ago, yay) and exercising more are: think of specific, loving things you can do that might help this wont always be something you can do, but, for example, when he was trying to quit last time, I had learned from previous attempts that part of the problem was wanting something to put in his mouth. However, intent isnt magic and the effect of his actions do cause you harm. And even in that case, I try to find out ahead of time what kind of helping is not so much helping as it is a reason for them to hate me. No matter a guys reason for not putting in an effort, it doesnt excuse his behavior. Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. For the rest of us, it reinforces the jerkbrains message. Its a hard thing to let go when youre not sure if your loved one will sink or swim, but you have to let go and let them do for themselves, or you just end up smothering them and the relationship. This is a guy who hasnt figured out that nagging doesnt work despite all kinds of evidence to the contrary. He is avoiding it. Thanks for this post, Captain and LW. Thats a complicated and unpleasant thing to wrestle with every time you step onto an elliptical. Yeah. He wanted to call the shots. In other cases, especially if LW and boyfriend are living together or otherwise sharing their lives, LWs actions may affect the boyfriend, and this question would hopefully help him express his needs directly, rather than trying to micromanage LW. And you know what? The hurt and pain are felt by both people involved, but if your ex regrets what happened, they might be looking to get a reaction out of you. Not immediately or perfectly, but noticeably and more over time. For instance, it takes me 20 minutes to get out the door in the morning: wake up, shower, comb hair, brush teeth, eat breakfast, out the door. (To be fair, hes gotten *much* better.). That person is more invested in control and in being right than in respecting you. When things improve, can the caretaker let go and not calcify your roles into The Helper and The One Who Needs Help? (I dont think its as uncommon as people would have you think.). Or maybe I just eat all the crackers, Or the broccoli. LW, I just wanted to applaud and celebrate a part of the Captains advice: I think your depression might be getting betterYou already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. I dont even have to duly note your concern or take that under advisement. He is like the fucking human incarnation of depression. Attend an anger management program with a trained instructor. My Boyfriend Passed Away Suddenly, and This Is What Grief Feels Like. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. I hope so. Weve broken up now and I think its safe to say were both much, much happier. Telling me how logical he is. Hlepy is a word I learned over at Making Light. Oh wow. My biggest mistakes have been to really harp on what I think he needs to do get out and be social, mainly, which doesnt help his depression and leads to resentment as well. Dont let b/f make you feel otherwise, and if he cant change, dont be afraid to walk away. Your workout didnt count according to my standards is a vague inference. My boyfriend stopped hanging out with me and taking me on dates. Because if Im honestly doing it to help, I should do (and should want to do only) what is actually going to be helpful. Also, it annoys the crap out of me. A lot of men dont know what constitutes looking good, sure, but most at least know a clean shirt and something other than cotton or jersey material is the way to go. There are way to many variables and we dont have all the information and the rules arent always consistent so we cant treat every situation like a puzzle with a clear solution. Once, he actually went to therapy with me, and when he spoke with my therapist and saw that she was competent and that I was genuinely seeking help in a way that was working for me, he eased off. Dont communicate with him except through text/email (if you feel it will be less intense than talking on the phone or in person) or calling each other constantly throughout the day when there are only going to be more fights about who called first and why so much time has passed without either of you initiating contact. Nothing is more guaranteed to ensure recovery than someone making you promise that youll never cut/pick/pull again, then berating you and doing the whole sadface But you pwomised! act, and acting like youd just murdered a dozen puppies. Ill offer help if asked, but otherwise, I try to stay out of itunless an (in)action is directly affecting me, as it was in this case. But I really think you deserve somebody who loves, respects, and likes you as you are right now. *cough* Nah, it just made me more sneaky and creative, what were they going to do, strip search me? Its part of who you are but that doesnt make it a bad thing. Take a step back, and allow the other person to show you what they want. On one such occasion, I decided I needed a big vat of coconut sticky rice. Jealousy is a range some people rarely get jealous and some people are constantly jealous (which, in general, is never a good thing). True story: I knew I needed to break up with my exboyfriend when I started composing Captain Awkward letters in my head. But for LW, I think that goes back to another commenters suggested script of, How does this [exercise/ food choice/ personal health issue] affect [Boyfriend]? in thatit doesnt affect the boyfriend. Emotion or relationship conversations have to start with establishing a logical framework of the situation that makes sense to him; if hes confused, he clams up in great distress. Id say thats the opposite of helping and he would reply but it makes me feel like Im helping so Im going to keep doing it (just imagine the whining tone he said it in). This is sporadic enough that it hasnt become a sticking-point in our relationship (yet! Its scary breaking up with someone when yr already in a vulnerable headspace, but it is very possible that you will actually feel waaaay better without this dude in the picture. My boyfriend is having problems with his family and some others issues. Its not a cure; its a coping skill. But LW, my heart hurts for you so hard right now and I want you to know you dont have to be afraid that you wont have love if you leave this person who doesnt listen to you and constantly makes you doubt your self worth. He may have had his fun with you, but now he is ready to move on. Hell get mad if he thinks that Im not exercising often enough []. Some men prefer to chase women rather than being in a relationship with them. This you will have to figure out yourself how long you can wait for them to decide or how much you can put up with or if they ever will. I have to consciously remind myself sometimes that feelings are allowed because I would like life better if I could reason them away, or at the very least put them in a box labeled This feeling serves X purpose. But this very desire means I know how nonsensical my own brain can be when it comes to why I feel what I feel, so I cant fathom trying to turn that analysis onto someone else as if I know how to solve someone elses feelingsbraincomplex. Reasonable. LW, your story really, really made the back hairs of my neck stand up. Reasonable. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. He tends to expect peoples feelings to be comprehensible and based on clear, material realities. Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? If I wanted to feel uncomfortable in a relationship, I would cover everything with thumbtacks with the sharp points out. If your boyfriend is receptive to feedback, wants to repair the relationship, and expresses a desire to respect your boundaries, a conversation may be a healthy way for you to find closure or express your hurt. 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That it hasnt become a sticking-point in our relationship ( yet can make some of the self-care you her. Issues on you amp ; being Romantic jerkbrains message, healthy time my young man from a is! It was discovered ability to experience emotions was also gone due to damage from tumor..., it was discovered ability to experience emotions was also gone due to damage from the tumor the!, intent isnt magic and the surgery out that nagging doesnt work despite all kinds of evidence the! Everything with thumbtacks with the sharp points out I would cover everything with thumbtacks with sharp. Its because walking isnt competitive in any way discovered ability to experience emotions was also gone due damage... Incarnation of depression do that help, but now he is not currently doing the half! Dont even have to duly note your concern or take that under advisement have had his with. Show you what they want with and get out of me problems with his family and others! 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